It was late night when I had the urge to pee. I was sitting in front of my laptop, researching extraterrestrials on wikipedia.org. I stepped into my bathroom and left the door opened. My urine was neon yellow. Strange I thought out loud but remembering an article I read on multi vitamins producing neon yellow urine, I hadn't the need to panic. I rubbed my hands together under the running water as I spotted my girlfriend's razor. A razor that had mold on it's handle and had rusty blades. A razor that didn't deserve the life it had in my bathroom. My distilled, impecable bathroom with its impecably white bathtub. I threw the razor away, unknowingly taking my own life as the razor went into my trash bin. This is where it all goes to hell.
A month goes by and my girlfriend and I had finally gotten a night alone together. The last month were filled with birthdays, get-togethers, family dinners and endless amount of overtime at the office. I tickle her belly a little bit and run my fingers down her zipper. I pull her jeans past her ankles and I rush to unzip my own. She pulls my polo tee over my head as I stood there with my penis pointed north. She unbuttons her blouse and at that moment: JESUS CHRIST stares right at my kisser.
My girlfriend said she wasn't able to shave her underarm and at that moment, my penis sank below it's testicles. She rushed to the bathroom but comes back to announce that her razor is missing. I told her to use mine but she said that a man's razor only cuts the underarm and so that night, we made love with our shirts on.
A couple of days go by and we are at it again. The same routine. She unbuttons her blouse and this time, a slight hint of funk rises through my nostrils. Her underarm was unshaven and longer than before. It had almost appeared to take on a life of its own. It really did look like JESUS CHRIST it was getting long. This was it, I put my clothes on and rushed out the door. I got into my Saab and took off to the nearest Duane Reade. CLOSED. I swore this was a 24 hours Duane Reade. CVS wasn't too far from here. I raced down the lane. SOLD OUT. How was this possible? All the women's razors were out of stock. I was out of options. There was nothing to do but just go back home.
The next morning I sat in a chair watching my girlfriend sleep. She slept like such an angel but under her arms laid the devil himself. JESUS CHRIST I was horny. I decided to grab some scissors and give them a nice trim at least. I lifted my girlfriend's underarms but by this point, her underarm hair was a wild beast. It even had horns. Fucking horns, just like the devil himself. The bearded devil took the scissors from me and stabbed my hand. It held me down and aimed for my penis.
At this moment, I knew I had to break up with her.
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